Kiss and Tell
by Gmariam
Summary: When Gwen is pricked by an alien plant, her behavior towards certain team members changes dramatically. Jack is not quite sure what to think of that…Post Exit Wounds.


Kiss and Tell

"So how was it?" Jack asked, trying his best to sound casual.

Ianto quirked an eyebrow, taking time to respond as if really thinking about his answer. "Unexpected."

"Obviously. And—?"

"Different." A smile played at the edge of Ianto's lips that Jack couldn't quite read.

"Different in a good way or different in a bad way?" Jack knew he was failing at sounding unconcerned now, but for some reason he didn't care. It wasn't every day he walked into the autopsy bay to find Gwen and Ianto engaged in a very heated embrace.

"A Welshman never kisses and tells," murmured Ianto, his face still unreadable.

"A _gentleman_ doesn't kiss and tell, Ianto," said Jack. "And I know you're a gentleman, but you can still tell _me."_

Ianto crossed his arms in front of his chest, a habit Jack recognized as his own, though it was still strange to see it in Ianto; he was never sure if the other man had picked it up subconsciously or did it on purpose to bother him.

"If I didn't know better, Jack, I'd say you were jealous."

"I'm not jealous." _Not really, _he told himself.

A slow nod. "Envious, then."

"Just curious," said Jack. "Besides, I've got you."

"Mm-hm." Ianto uncrossed his arms, stuffing his hands into his pockets as he raised another questioning eyebrow. "Then why ask? I should think you would know the answer already."

"What?" asked Jack, genuinely surprised. "Know what it's like?" Ianto inclined his head, that small teasing smile still playing at his lips that Jack wasn't quite sure of. "Well, I don't. I've never kissed Gwen before. Only you."

"Right," Ianto murmured.

"It's true," Jack replied. "You have now experienced something I have not, and that's a rare accomplishment."

"And a very dubious one, at that," said Ianto. He nodded to himself, as if thinking over something. "I guess we were all wrong then."

"We who?" Jack demanded. "And wrong about what?"

"The rest of us." Ianto actually smirked now, a rare but dangerous thing in Jack's experience. "We tried to start an office pool last year."

"They thought—you thought—everyone thought I'd hooked up with Gwen?" asked Jack. He shouldn't have been surprised. He knew his team talked about him, it just hadn't occurred to him that they'd talk about him and Gwen, together, in that way.

"It was unanimous," Ianto replied dryly. "The pool failed so we just took turns buying rounds at the pub."

Jack turned around and huffed a bit before turning back to Ianto. "Well, we didn't. We haven't. She had a boyfriend when she started, whom she's happily married to now, and I have you."

"Hasn't stopped the looks, Jack."

"What looks?" Ianto's perceptiveness was once again hitting too close to the mark. Jack had never imagined his feelings about—or for—Gwen were suspect, especially by Ianto. But then Ianto had always been more clever and observant than they had once failed to give him credit for.

Ianto rolled his eyes with a sigh. "You've been giving her those looks since she started here, and she's returned most of them. I have to admit I'm surprised nothing ever came of it all."

Jack was quiet for a moment as he tried to process the tone of Ianto's voice. "You don't sound bothered." He would feel terrible if he had hurt Ianto in some way, and it was just coming out now.

"I was." Ianto shrugged. "Once. But I understand those things. Did my friendship with Tosh ever bother you?"

Jack frowned in surprise. "Of course not." Then he paused as he considered the implication inherent in the comparison. "Why, did you sleep with her?"

"I already told you I don't kiss and tell," he replied. Jack waited for a wink, but there was none.

"Ianto…"

"Jack." Ianto finally grinned, but Jack wasn't convinced. "I'm just giving you a hard time."

"Since when?" grumbled Jack. "That is supposed to be my job around here."

"I'm broadening my horizons." As soon as the words came out, Jack could see Ianto regretted them, so he pounced.

"Obviously. So what was it like?"

Ianto sighed dramatically and shook his head, affecting a distant look on his face though his eyes were smiling. "She's good, Jack. You really missed out."

Jack growled and made to punch him on the shoulder; to his surprise, Ianto grabbed his hand, twisted his arm into a rather firm hold behind Jack's back, and pulled him close.

"But not as good as you."

Jack grinned even as his shoulder protested. "That's all I wanted to hear."

"I know." Ianto's face was inches from him, his lips so close and tempting, that Jack thought for sure it would go further. He licked his lips and leaned closer, ready to close his eyes and enjoy the moment, but Ianto gave him that face he made when chastising Jack for something and stepped back, leaving Jack to release his breath in disappointment.

"Now," said Ianto, straightening his jacket. "What are we going to do about this? We can't Gwen running around snogging every bloke she comes into contact with."

Jack shrugged. "Doesn't sound so bad to me. Any ideas?"

"We need a doctor," Ianto said firmly. "For the team. She's obviously under some kind of alien influence—chemical, biological. Something in that plant pricked her and has got her quite wound up." He coughed delicately. "Sexually."

"Maybe she's pregnant," Jack pointed out. "Hormones and all that."

"Jack, pregnant women don't attack their co-workers with their tongues."

"So there was tongue then?"

Another roll of blue eyes. "Of course there was tongue. Who kisses without it these days?" Ianto suddenly grinned, which made him look so much younger and less serious that Jack loved the rare moments he saw Ianto smile like that. "This conversation is threatening to veer into the absurd, you know."

"I like it."

"You would."

"It was hot."

"Then why did you stop her?"

"Because you were yelling for help."

"And because you were jealous."

"Not jealous. Helpful."

"Mm-hm."

"Look," said Jack, enjoying the banter but knowing they did need to do something, after all. "We don't have a doctor, so what do you suggest?"

"Owen would draw blood to test." Ianto gave Jack a curious but skeptical look. "Can you draw blood?"

"Of course not. I prefer to let doctors do that when I allow them near me." Which he didn't, not often.

"All your lives, and you never went for medical training. Waste of a hundred years, Jack." Ianto was definitely smiling again, so Jack knew he was teasing this time.

"I've always been more of a soldier," he replied, striking a masculine pose. No response whatsoever, aside from the obligatory eye roll.

"Right." Ianto glanced down where Gwen was lying unconscious on the table in the autopsy bay. "Well, she's sedated now. I can do a swab, that's about all. Maybe run a body scan to see if it picks up anything we've come across before."

"Sounds good. I'll head back to where she found the plant and see what else I can dig up. Any clues where it came from, how it got there, another sample. Call me if you find anything." He grabbed his coat before Ianto could help him into it, then turned to say goodbye only to find the Welshman frowning. "What's wrong?"

"Do you think we should call Rhys, Jack?" Ianto asked. "Only I'm not sure what she'll be like when she wakes up, and it might be better if he were here to … handle her."

Jack laughed out loud at Ianto's obvious discomfort. "You didn't like handling her?" he asked innocently.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that," Ianto tossed back. "I just prefer shagging one coworker at a time."

"Right." Though Ianto managed to keep a straight face and steady eye contact, Jack was fairly sure he caught the faint hint of a blush creeping up his neck.

"Let's wait and see what we're dealing with first. It could be contagious."

Ianto's face froze. "Contagious?" he repeated.

Jack winked. "Which could make for a very interesting night, that's for sure."

"Then don't be long," Ianto replied, his calm exterior finally cracking as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Why not?" asked Jack as he turned to leave.

"She bit me."

* * *

Author's Note:

Hahaha—this should be a chaptered story, but right now I have too many other ideas, so I wrote this mainly to get the Jack/Ianto dialogue out of my head. And because I wanted to make Jack jealous. And because I wanted to scrape the surface of the whole Jack/Gwen thing. So maybe someday I'll write more (I planned it out, does that count?) but for now, it's just a silly one-shot. I'll leave it to your imagination to decide what happened before and what happens after. Enjoy!


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